Happy Fortieth Jayne, you miserable old whatsit!

Saturday 2nd November Jayne's Birthday treat day.

So I am forty today, which is just shit. I am moving further away from my youth with each day that passes and a milestone like this one is just another nail in my coffin! Well that is certainly one way to look at things and right now I am stone cold sober, under fed and exhausted and not least of all stuck in a city that smells similar to an infected vagina!

The Grand Palace, Bangkok.

Last night I managed some sleep, although I awoke at four AM in massive need of more pain killers and then settled down to read for a while. Two hours later and with the sun rising I managed to fall asleep again and managed another two hours of sleep before waking like a coiled spring. Carol awoke and wished me a happy birthday and then we wandered down for breakfast which was for me a slice and a half of egg on toast, but when the city makes your taste buds feel like some bastard has farted directly into your mouth, eating is not forefront of your desires, well not mine anyway.

After breakfast Carol asked me what I wanted to do on my Birthday, the thought of wandering around Bangkok's biggest outdoor market filled me with dread, to be honest the thought of walking around any market filled me with dread. I have discovered that I am not fond of shopping and to be honest think that most of the stuff I have seen here is tat, well apart from the Technic Lego Monster truck in Singapore Airport.

It was then that inspiration struck home and I asked if we could go for a massage together, to which Carol agreed. SO after a quick chat with the lovely girl on the hotel reception, we made our way down to the massage parlour and I had my nose and mouth covered with a tissue sprayed with my perfume to avoid gagging as we walked past the putrefying drains. I am sure that Cannibal Corpse could come here and get inspiration for a new song just by standing still and sniffing!

The massage parlour recommended to us turned out to be only a few hundred meters away and as we slipped off our shoes, we were shown in and told to sit on some plush leather stools. The room was fragrant in the way that only utter luxury can be and as we relaxed we were given the menu of massages. We explained that I have a serious neck and shoulder injury and the therapist studied the menu before recommending that I try a warm oil massage that would be gentle and relaxing. She was not wrong.

I can honestly say that every physiotherapist that has touched my shoulder has caused me nothing but pain and suffering, yet this woman's firm yet gentle touch left my skin smouldering with oil and my shoulder relaxed to the point that it almost did not hurt. However she could barely touch it before the pain levels shot through the roof and she gently eased the muscles and joint as far as I could stand. When she moved onto my right leg, the one hurt in the motorcycle accident I had in August, she managed to find more damage and spent some time working my right knee which caused me to yelp in pain. She then moved to my hands and massaged my fingers and yes you guessed it, more damage. This time from climbing and my shoulder injury and this time when I yelped, she laughed. I do not think that she has met some one with so many injuries before! Mind you, when she saw the large scar on my tummy I think she realised that I am physically far from perfect.

After an hour of painful bliss and with skin that felt so soft and sensual that I floated from the massage pad and back to the leather stool, to find a fresh cup of green tea waiting for me. With a level of expertise and professionalism bordering on fantastic to impeccable I cannot recommend them to anyone because you will then know my secret! Oh, ok then. If you are in Bangkok, check them out because they really are brilliant.

Baan Sabai Thai Massage
46, Soi Samsen,
6, Samsen Road, 
Pranakorn,
Bangkok.
10200.

You can phone them and book your place on this number.
02-628-5792. 

Tell them that the broken English girl sent you!

Following our massage we decided to wander over to the Grand Palace for a typical tourist thing to do and to be honest this was a mistake for us. To get there we had to walk through some rather busy parts of Bangkok and although armed with my scented tissue, it quickly wore away the goodness that the massage had done and with in a mile or so my pain levels had risen once again to previous levels and then started to rise past them. It was at this point that Carol led us into a maze of university students and riverside food establishments that looked like they were serving mutant chimeras fished straight from the oily and polluted river. The smell level once again rose and any thoughts of food evaporated from my mind.

Yes, that is a filthy smelling drain, filled with stagnant water running through the food stall!

However I was desperately thirsty and it seemed that there was no where that we could find a clean drink. It is worrying when stands have bottles of coke that have clearly been opened and refilled, the plastic security ring that breaks off from the lid, sat on the neck of the bottle.

Some one call Godzilla, there is a... oh never mind!

Finally we found a place that was selling cans of drink and we sated our thirst before wandering into the grand palace entrance, only to be refused entry due to us wearing strappy tops! I pulled on my green cardy and Carol went off to find a top. Sadly she did not hear the official Government advert saying that she could borrow free of charge a silk top that would be both cool and graceful, instead she ran into a tout outside who charged her for hire of a revolting dragon printed gents cotton shirt, the sort of shirt you saw Emo lads wearing in the early naughties!

So finally covered up we entered the grand palace and I was hugely underwhelmed. The buildings although spectacular have been coated in gold leaf and shiny glass tiles that make it look like a Pimps palace. Suddenly I can see where Disney, Las Vegas and the Steam Fair got their inspiration from, otherwise beautiful buildings have been blinged up and then the religious iconography is nailed home in the form of golden demons and Buddhas. For me this has the same appeal as visiting the Vatican and once again shows how much wealth the religions of the world have, which is sad when as we walked to the grand palace, we saw people living in utter poverty and destitution. This for me was a sour taste in my mouth (and I don't just mean the aroma of Bangkok).

Don't mention the poverty outside!

Once away from the temples and places of worship, we entered another building that had the most amazing wall painting, that went on in minute intricate detail for hundreds of meters. The original painting must have taken thousands and thousands of hours to do and was utterly spectacular. Mixed in the with painting was a visual story telling of Thailand's folklore and history. With gold leaf demons rampaging through battles against gold leaf fortresses, it was a lot to take in, but with the many thousands of people wandering about, snapping photos and having loud conversations, appreciation of such works of art become almost impossible and after nearly an hour we both needed a sit down.

As we sat for a few minutes it became apparent that the tourists about us that had come on coaches were infact a single living entity, in the same way that a swarm of bees or flock of swirling swallows resembles a single entity.

The urge to leave and hide in an anxiety safe box almost over powered me and even a normally placid Carol was starting to snarl as every photo she tried to take was swarmed through by loud, ignorant tourists who disregarded the requests not to stand on the polished marbled surface, lean on the ancient gold leaf covered statues or smoke in the arenas.

It would seem that Carol and I should not be around a multitude of swarming human beings if we want to remain sane. So with both of us feeling tired, hot and irritable we headed back towards the exit and found a nice place to sit out of the sun, in the quiet and have a drink. Right next to about a hundred old muzzle load cannons!

Once we had cooled down, enjoyed a peaceful drink and managed to escape form the confines of the several coach tours, we found our way back on the street to have our senses battered by touts for who no has no meaning and insisted on shoving their cheap plastic Buddha in our faces until we got a bit rude and told them firmly no! AS we walked away a passing TukTuk pulled in and asked us if we wanted to ride back to the hotel, we gratefully climbed aboard having agreed a slightly higher than usual price and made our way to the hotel. We have still not eaten, we are still tired and after the days stresses, the pains in my shoulder, hand and Carol's foot are even greater than before. To me it feels like another Massage is needed!

Bangkok, oh how I love thee

Thursday 31st October Halloween

I woke up this morning bitten to fuck by insects, Carol is bite free and said so in the sheepish manner of a person who is glad that they are travelling with some one who attracts the bugs away from every one else! Yes, I am bug food in the very literal sense here. Another dawn saw us waking up with the sun and feeling quite content to do so, the streets outside are busy and there is even some building work going on somewhere, which given the state of the buildings around here means that another level could be being constructed on top of one of the rickety buildings in the street.

Breakfast was another treat of scrambled egg on toast and served by yet more polite and helpful Thai folk, who must be sick to death of travellers expecting the world on a plate here. I can honestly say that the people who work and run this hotel are so kind and considerate that to treat them with anything other than the same back would show just how poor European standards are when communicating with our neighbours. Carol has pointed out to me yet again the difference here among road users, Road Rage does not seem to exist here, it is just a case of live and let live. A truly remarkable way of being given the amounts of traffic on the streets and how much of it is young people on mopeds and scooters who ride about in the sort of gear that would horrify the average DSA examiner. Remember folks, back in dear old Blighty, for a young person to ride a bike they must take several tests and then be restricted to a certain power level decided not by their skill level but by their age.

Seeing another culture that is so different from our own in so many ways makes me realise just how tightly compressed and controlled the people of Britain are. Surely with the state of the nation people should be rising up and demanding change, not laying down like a dog pleased to have its belly tickled no matter the cost to personal dignity. There is Poverty here in Thailand and some of it is very extreme, but there is also freedom and peace. I have not felt at risk walking down the streets here like I do at home on a Friday night. Any violent outbursts I have seen so far have all been in form of tourists combined with alcohol or tourists combined with frustrated locals. This may well be a rose tinted view of the people here, but when every one is friendly and wants to know where we are from and wants to say hello, what can we expect. Yet when we eat breakfast, none of the other tourists will make eye contact and it almost feels like they wish to remain silent, talking only to those in their particular group. A very insular bunch it would seem.

One assault on the senses this morning was the rising smell of Bangkok, which Carol informs me is to her barely noticeable, one dreads to think how she achieved this level of immunity, but I suspect I know the cause of this and can possibly point the finger at my own bottom. For me though, the smell of Bangkok is close to revolting, that rising stench of drains and fried food, the delicate putrefaction of the streets lined with the bustle of a busy population.

Currently I am typing this while laying down on my tummy. It would seem that I am one of the very few travellers in the world who goes to exotic locations and gets constipation! I feel like I have eaten a tub of quick drying cement and it has balled up in my lower intestines, which means todays plans for a trip to the grand palace may have to be cancelled for a little while.

Friday 1st November

I did not sleep last night, being tired and emotional both of us had a rough evening and ended up fighting into the early hours. These are the things that a strong relationship can overcome and once the frustration at the things we cannot change and the anger over the things that hurt have faded away, love takes over and all is mended. That is until "she" starts snoring/farting and then one of us wants to kill the other!

So with two hours sleep behind me and more pain than I truly deserve we went for breakfast this morning and I managed two slices of toast before returning to our room and Carol putting me back to bed with the words, "get some sleep." So pumped full of painkillers I hit the sack under the icy blast of the air con machine. Bliss. I woke up at twelve and managed yet more painkillers and returned to sleep for another hour before I managed to wake up fully and then we got ready to go out and indulge in the joys of Bangkok.

By its own admission, Bangkok has a very serious hygiene problem, to paraphrase the man in the restaurant in the film The Blues Brothers "Frankly Bangkok is offensive, smelling, I mean it smells bad!" A combination of pollution, bad drainage, heat and street cooking make Bangkok an assault upon the nose, but I was able to ignore it for long enough to go out and enjoy some time with Carol. However as we crossed the river I noticed the tell tale signs of hydrogen sulphide bubbles rising through the water and bursting into the air.

Do not drink from here!

Years of the cities waste being pumped into the rivers and streams have given them an ecology that borders on toxic, any locals who are immune to that river have become so through great suffering. To any westerner who is foolish enough to go in that water, disease awaits.

Anyway, back in Bangkok and Carol was on a mission to find something nice to wear. It is nice to see Carol enjoying herself and after a while it became clear that every stall had the same old shit bought from the same supplier and then sold to Westerners who want that Eastern experience. The locals are wandering around looking good in nice dresses, jeans and shirts or nicely designed outfits. The serious tourists are the ones in sun cream and Rohan trousers, overly technical and barely used cameras weighing them down like anchors around their necks. Then there are the drunken slob tourists in shorts, flip flops and ripped vest tops and with a half drunk beer in each hand as they shout their conversation to the fellow slob stood next to them.

Some lovely tourists

Finally we have the hippy chic tourists, the one in the Indian style pants that have the crotch by the ankles so that it looks like they are wearing a pillow case that has been tied in each corner about their ankles. These tourists generally have dreads, a dirty face and an even dirtier back pack. Dirty feet are slid into dirty sandles and for the women there is the ubiquitous ankle bracelet that contains at least two small bells and depending on the length of the trip, more! I have nothing in common with any of these people and can only conclude that this is why none of our fellow travellers in our hotel will engage in conversation despite my smiles and politely spoken hellos.

Carol and I searched through the stalls and then like an oasis in the desert, we found the one stall that had one last skirt hidden in the dark under store of the piles of fashionable rags sold as clothes. In bold reds and blacks, it was beautiful and once she had slipped into it, Carol looked gorgeous. After hours of struggling to find it, we had succeeded and it was promptly bought for the price of about £2.00! From there is was off to the Tailors to see how her custom Bike Leathers were coming along.

St Michaels Fashions of Bangkok is a lovely shop and the charming gentleman who runs the store is both efficient and helpful.

As a guy in his mid twenties he is sharply dressed, cool in his height of fashion shoes and grey business trousers cut perfectly to his form. Originally from Burma he is as settled in Thailand as any local and he seems genuinely happy to be there. Carol's leather jeans were cut out in pattern form and stitched together as a fabric guide, the real leather will be cut soon and then it will be stitched together by a woman so small she can barely reach up to adjust the collars of the clothes she is making for us! The gentleman of the store adjusts carols waist coat pattern until it hugs her form perfectly and makes her look like a hard biker, even when she is on foot in a tailors in the posher bit of Bangkok!

Some one is a very happy teddy indeed.

Once happy, we made our outside and hired a TukTuk to take us back to the hotel and the cool of the air con machine. Our clothes were soaked with sweat and needed washing there and then, so it was into the shower and rinse the sweat and dirt from out clothes.

We then decided to head out into the city to find a restaurant and maybe have our first meal out together since arriving in Bangkok on Monday. As soon as I stepped out of the room, the hot stink of Bangkok filled my nostrils causing me to gag slightly. Down stairs the receptionist had the main doors wide open and the smell had invaded like the smell of the Diskworlds Foul ole Ron! Outside the smell was pungent and raped my olfactory senses in a brutal attack, I swallowed back the bile brought up into my throat and we made our way to a restaurant. With in meters of the hotel, any appetite I had had vanished to be replaced by the urge to purge the contents of my stomach onto the street. Carol was not impressed and so with a heavy heart and my hand clasped across my nose, we returned to the hotel. I truly am such a wimp.

Going... Not going... Going, Gone

Thailand diary, a very curious adventure indeed.

Still in the UK...

Thursday 17th October, 2013.

I am still not sleeping right, and my jaw aches from clenching my teeth, but that is not the biggest issue I have. No, the big issue is that we are booked to fly out to Thailand on the 28th of October for the holiday of a lifetime. Yet I am still to have my passport sorted out and more importantly I am still to find the enthusiasm to leave the comfort of my bedroom and venture into the big wide world. I picked up my medication today, that I have ordered for the trip and frankly it is silly, it fills my bag on it’s own and is heavy enough to cause me some worry.

Carol remains buoyant and  is so excited about the trip she talks about little else, her excitement exactly counters my indifference and together we manage to carry each other through without going to the extremes of our emotions. While she plans and plots on maps, I sit next to her and build machines out of Lego, but even here my enthusiasm wanes after an initial interest. The joy of clinical depression is that it makes day to day life hard to bare and going outside is a difficulty I would rather not have to face, I do not know how it has happened, but I have become a recluse who would rather stay in one room in the flat than venture outside! Not even my precious motorcycle can prise me from my room. When did this happen to me, when did I become a prisoner to my own discomfort?

In two and a half weeks I turn 40 and we plan to spend that day in Bangkok. shopping in the market surrounded by half of the population of Thailand. As I lay here in the relative discomfort of my bed, my shoulder aching and feeling like the outside world is a place I do not want to encounter, I cannot imagine a more hostile and and feral place to be! When is keeping me in this warm place is the comfort, something that has become a big part of my life since being hurt at work in 2009.

The reasons are many and varied, the fear feels real, but I know that fear is a choice, fear is the biochemical reaction to stimulus that is out of control. This should be the primeval fear of predators, not of leaving the comfort of my home.

Were it not for Carol, I rather suspect that I would be housebound by now, her enthusiasm should be infectious, instead I resent her happiness because I do not feel it when I think about leaving the house. Thailand is going to be good for me, but I rather fear that once I am out of here, I will not want to return. With my Darling Carol by my side, I could travel the world and beyond.

Friday 18th of October

It is ten days until we fly out to Thailand and I still have no passport, and to cap it all last night once I finally got to sleep and some time after five AM, I had a night of the worst nightmares filled with grief and worry. Yesterday was overall a very positive day, I went out and even managed a trip on my bike, albeit only a short one. Today though the shoulder aches and the thought of going out once again fills me with a mild feeling of disgust. The thought of going abroad and leaving our precious Alby and Jasper behind in the care of others is almost strong enough to make me not want to go. If anything happened to either of them I would be heart broken, utterly and completely heart broken.

This trip is also the first time that I have been out of Europe, flying to the other side of the world suddenly feels quite unsafe as we pack and prepare. We are having jabs and I am due my final one next week, another typhoid shot in the arm so I plan to ask them to stick in my right arm.

Our dear friend Rich has agreed to drive us to the airport so we have put him on the insurance of our car and have even bought him a little thank you gift. Just thinking about this I can feel the excitement building within me and I cannot wait to check in and get on that plane, yet my worry for my pets if a stark reminder that I am after all only human and I do not see Jasper as just a mere cat, he is a dear little soul, a much loved member of this little family, a miniature person and although she is a little more basic, out pet owl Alby is no different. I will miss our pets and I will miss the two teenagers who live with us, I will miss the gentle comments of support from my step daughter and the comfort that brings, but most of all I think that I am going to miss my Jasper who cuddles up with me every night, to sleep out of harms way snuggled into my feet on the end of my bed.

It is funny how the trip of a lifetime can be turned into an anxiety issue over something that some people would not even consider. What do we do with our pets, bless them?

Saturday 20th October

It is a week until we go to Thailand, a whole week and I still have no passport. Also the airline has contacted us and told us that out seats have been cancelled despite us having paid for them already. So things are looking a little difficult for us at the moment.

So while we bury our heads in the sand and ignore these difficulties, Carol is still getting excited and I am getting to the point where I do not believe it will happen. However, I have dyed our hair ready for the trip and have packed my bag ready to go, leaving out only the very last few things that I still need.

Now, one of the joys of a holiday is spending some time quietly reading while relaxing somewhere beautiful. I have a choice of two books, the last Iain M Banks Sci-Fi novel, or a history of the atom bomb. I wonder which one I will be allowed to take on the plane, should I ever get a passport…

Sunday 20th October

Eight days to go and I still have no passport! So tomorrow I must call the passport office once again, in the mean time I have been packing and repacking my main bag. I have got the weight down as much as I can, but with the sort of things that we need, we have to make some sacrifices on luxuries. Yet we still are close to our limit and still have things to pack.

I seem to have put on a fuck load of weight too, part of which is down to illness and medication, so I plan to diet at some point, I am sure that I can start while we are away. Also I am sure that a dose of Thai belly will empty me out at some point and that will no doubt help me to lose some weight too as disease prevents me from eating for a couple of days and my system squirts the filth from every orifice!

Carol is preparing her kit too, although she is not yet packed the way I am. In fact she has asked me to sew a button onto her trousers so she can pack them, which I shall do in a moment. So we are still getting ready with the hope that we will actually be able to travel. I do hope that she has made the right decision in booking and paying for everything, because without a passport, we have just wasted a great deal of money.

Wednesday 23rd October

With no passport and the passport office being unhelpful, it looks unlikely that we are going to fly out on Monday. The frustration is burning through us both and the disappointment lies heavy on our hearts like a blanket of pissy snow. If you were to ask us how we feel, the answer would be numb and I know that Carol is affected badly by this, the chances of us having our dream holiday are evaporating with each day that passes.

I am still not sleeping and it is nearly three AM once again, after three hours sleep last night, five hours the night before and god knows how many nights of restless sleep prior to this trip, I do not know how I remain functioning.

Carol is to phone the passport office again tomorrow

Thursday 24th October

What a day, spent lots of money, travelled fucking hundreds of miles and ate far too much shit. Yes, we had a road trip today and the delightful Jan came with us. The destination? The glorious city of Peterborough. No we did not even look around once we got there, we went to one building, spoke to three people, came out again, got in the car and made for Weston! Why you may ask, although I suspect that you already have guessed. I now have a Passport! Carol drove like a legend, despite one accident with a doughnut dripping jam on her top and the steering wheel making both very sticky! Jan was great and gentle company who kept us both amused and pacified when arsehole drivers tried to kill us, well she has such a lovely calming nature that we would recommend her highly as a friend.

So once back home we discovered that Alby had had a poo on my pillow once again, I swear that it is a dirty protest and she is in her little bird brained way trying to tell me something. Yet once we had changed the bedding again and climbed onto bed, Jasper came and had a cuddle making me feel so guilty about going away and leaving him behind. He loves his Mummy and I know that he is going to pine for me. I am if I am honest, greatly worried about both Alby and Jasper and hope that the two young people who share their home will look after them well.

So as I prepare to turn in and get some sleep (well once I have had a read of my new engineering text book, yes it does involve Lego!) I have to think about Monday morning and try not to shit myself with fear, it is not Bangkok that worries me, we have to go near London! Ewwwww...

Monday 28th October

Going to bed last night was a waste of time, neither of us could sleep and so we gave up, got dressed and wandered around doing stuff like last minute packing, repacking and trying not to over think everything. Rich arrived at just before three and I was awoken with a start by Carol who told me that we were set to leave. Bangkok here we come. As things go, our journey to Heathrow was tolerable given that the country seemed to believe that a super storm of epic proportions was about to wash the whole country into the sea, so as we set off in some rain, we feared the worst. Once again the media over hyped a seasonal change and turned it into the apocalypse when in fact it was just a bit of gusty rain. I will admit that I slept through most of it!

Arriving at the air port saw us checking in our main bags and standing in a queue that seemed endless. The woman on the counter was chewing gum and looking thoroughly disinterested as she allowed carnage to riot through a group of travellers who could not decide who was first in the queue. As we stood waiting, another member of staff took pity on us and ushered us through to an empty desk where our bags were weighed in and disappeared into the great machine of baggage handling, leaving us to find breakfast and Jan to find what ever loonies she could.

Breakfast was in a little cafe called Leon, a nice little place that served good honest food. Once my hunger was sated, I promptly fell asleep on the table and awoke an hour or so later just in time to wave good bye to Jan and Rich, our trust travelling companions. Waving good bye to them both was a painful joy, as sorry as I was to see them go, I was also starting to feel excited about getting on the plane. Although to be honest that excitement is mainly based on the thought of having somewhere to sleep!

Passing through the security search was problem free for Carol, for me though I was body searched by a raven haired security woman, a not entirely unpleasant experience if I am honest. Carol can search me like that any time she likes! I had to remove my boots and belt, hand over any weapons I had concealed, be subjected to a metal detector and finally passed through to wander the shopping court as we waited for our plane, which sadly was delayed due to a late arrival.

Finally got through to the waiting area for the plane and it is huge, a big four engined monster that will be chucking pollution right into the upper atmosphere! Yet as I look at it I am struck by its imense beauty, each engine the size of a small truck, producing so much power it can launch hundreds of tonnes of metal into the air with ease. Damn, I love planes. While we wait we can see them loading the food on and doing some basic maintenance like bolting the wings back on and putting some plasters on the tyres! The excitement is settling in now and really can't wait to get on board. Sadly for Carol she needs another wee and there is no toilet here. Bugger...

Tuesday 29th October, Singapore Airport Terminal two

Not the UK anymore...

Our flight was beautiful, the food served was lovely and the air was fragrant with the hint of beautiful spice. Although the windows were tiny little portholes the sizes of a biscuit tin, the views through the cloud were often spectacular. As we flew above New Delhi the streets were lit like gold thread on a frosty black cotton, the outlying regions were smoked glass of silver and gold and resembled the random scattering of autumn leaves on a freezing lake, heart stoppingly beautiful. I have discovered that fashion seems to be the same the world over and young women here in Singapore look the same as the young women waiting for lectures outside Weston college, albeit some what colder. Yet you cannot judge a country based only on the airport, but if you could this place would be heaven. The difference here to what we saw in Heathrow is exceptional. There is a glitzy calm to the place here, it looks like it was designed by the man who likes glitzy hotels with lots of lights and plastic tropical flowers, only here these flowers are real. Once again Carol has departed my company to search for her two main functions, passing water and smoking cigarettes.

Outside the airport looks like any other city I have seen, but cleaner. Has the UK really sunk so low that even its own residents find it dirty and smelly? Heathrow did not smell like this, this is pleasant and fragrant and quiet. However, even in this air conditioned building, I am sweating like a rapist!

Carol has just informed me that she has just had a most satisfying poo, clearly foreign travel agrees with her. One thing that has not agreed with us too well though is that our flight was delayed in London and we have missed our connection from Singapore to Thailand. However as we disembarked from the plane, we were issued with new tickets and given a lunch voucher. It is however too hot to eat here and I really need a shower... Just think, in a few days I shall be trekking in the jungle, where will my shower be then?

My name is Jayney, super adventurer!

Bangkok... Oh my!

Bangkok is wild and frenzied, the buildings have exciting features that the average free runner would sell a kidney to play on, the armed Policewoman smiled at me radiantly as I stepped from the cool plane into the toaster oven that is Thailand! After only a hundred meters or so, I am soaked with sweat, my feet hurt and I really really want to lay down. I have barely slept on this journey, well actually I managed two hours before we left, so in the last three days I have slept for less then six hours and I can feel it in every joint of my body. Every damaged part of my body aches with exhaustion and as I get more tired the aches turn into throbs.

Our first stop in Thailand is the railway station and now fully loaded with back packs and a sense of adventure we await the arrival of the train. Which arrives in only a few minutes. I am struck immediately by how clean everything is, First Great Weston can learn a thing or two hundred million from the trains in Bangkok, seating is clean, the floor is clean and they trains are a nice place to be. I nearly fall asleep against the the shoulder of the person sat next to me, a young Thai student working through her Crib Sheet of English words, some of which would be beyond the comprehension of some of the English students the schools I have worked in!

As we climb from the train, I am struck by the industrial complexity of the semi complete concrete structure that houses the station, it is a combination of BMX playground and bank, yet I cannot see a bike anywhere. Outside the station we find two people who are clearly here to sort out useless tourists who cannot find their arse with a map. Slightly put off by our insistence that we know where we are going and that we can even produce a map, they call a Taxi for us. A green and yellow Toyota Corolla, the new version of our very own car. In the back Carol and I both nearly fall asleep, until the driver growing impatient with the heavy traffic pulls out suddenly and then slams on his brakes to avoid the bike of  Policeman. I expect an angry exchange, a fine or even an arrest. The Policeman scouls and waves the taxi through. Our Hotel is an oasis in the desert, our bed is huge, we have wi-fi and best of all, we have air con. Sleep cannot come fast enough, although the shower first is exsquisite.

Wednesday 30th October

My initial feelings are that Bangkok is a city on the cusp of development, mixed into the new chrome and glass buildings are the squalid concrete and corrugated iron cubes of Thai homes and business. Next to those are the basic requirements of cover, a plastic sheet patched against the rain covering a frame work made from old bicycles and scrap metal. Under these live families trying to scrape a living from selling tat to tourists who then quibble over a few Baht for something that costs pennies in their native currency. I do not like this aspect of Thailand. Poverty and international commerce combined into a city that smells of a combination of exotic spiced food and blocked drains. Seeing a street vendor cooking on a trolley what appears to be animal lungs in a spiced sauce caused me to want to vomit! I may have pretensions of being an exciting traveller, my palate clearly does not. I am going to lose some weight here on this trip, maybe I can be a size twelve again very soon, just show me the local cooking being done over a blocked drain. I will never eat again!

Carol has insisted that we go for a walk, given that I have done nothing but lay dying in our room with a combination of tiredness and heat exhaustion. Our first step out before heading over to Khaosan Road, is to find the tailors who are to make her custom bike leathers. The young man we meet is an exile from Burma and as we ask him about back him his face darkens with memories of military law and oppression. His comment of "it is not very nice there" seems to be a huge understatement until his smile returns as he explains how he enjoys living in Thailand. He asks casually about our bikes and is shocked when Carol explains about the engine size of Noreen, the average bike here as a capacity of under two hundred CC, the thought of something that is eleven hundred CC is alien to these people and thinking about it the context of here, would be so impractical as to be laughable. In Thailand, the moped is what the cool guys have.

Once measured up, we head over to what the travel pages of Wikipedia call the Back Packers Ghetto. Khaosan Road... I agree with Wikipedia, it is not a place that says happy things and it is here that I see my first act of violence by one person against another as a Tourist threatens a taxi driver. The shame carried by this man is shared by all of us as we wander about, shouted at by ticket touts, bugged by Tukkuk drivers who say that it is too hot for tourists to walk and again assaulted in the nose by the smell of spiced food and blocked drains. Chaos is everywhere as bikes and cars compete for space with pedestrians and street sellers. This whole district is designed to extract money from the heavily loaded pockets of the tourists. Be advised, think about the exchange rate, Fifty Baht to the pound makes the Baht sound cheap, but it is very easy to appear to be an arse when flashing wads of paper money and in Thailand with the polite friendliness of the locals, it is too easy to forget just how long you have to holiday and how long that wad of Baht has to last.

While we stop for a rest, a ticket tout approaches us and informs us that the road of ahead of us is closed to tourists following an armed exchange between government troops and locals. He describes a riot and informs us that he is happy to handle for us a trip into a another temple where we will be made welcome and not have to worry about being shot or over charged for an ice-cream! Our polite refusal is ignored and he carries on until Carol gets more firm and politely informs him that we intend to go elsewhere and that he needs to leave us alone now. I smile and carry on watching the chaos around me as inside my heart rate rises and the anxiety of being in a crowded city starts to rise another notch. I cannot wash that smell from my nose, the sweet aroma of blocked drains makes me gag at one point and the constant weaving in and out of traffic by the bike riders fills me with the fear of witnessing an accident.

The walk back to the hotel takes us down some of Bangkok's back streets, the places that you will not see on the tourist tracks and finding myself walking along the river bank on rotted boards only feet above the heavily polluted waters of the river is both interesting and scary. Falling in that water is going to result in disease. Again it is almost shocking to see what little a human being needs to have a home, a simple tarp covered frame work of scrap metal and more bicycles gives a family the home they need to shelter from the elements. I cannot imagine how comfortable such a home is when the sky is bleeding rain during the monsoon. One thing that does connect us with home though is the love of pets that these people have. Street vendors that are cuddling cats before giving them back to adoring owners. The most striking pet of all was a pure white alley cat with the bluest eyes you have ever seen. At any moment I expect a horde of Fremmen warriors to come over a dune and declare this cat to be their leader! That is how blues its eyes are. Its lustrous coat is a tell tale of the love it gets from the woman who carries it.

Back at the hotel, I am wet with sweat, slick and sticky at the same time, too hot to move, too wet to get into bed and too tired to stand up. At some point this Jet Lag has to sort us out! Back at home where you lot are, it is ten past ten in the morning, here is ten past five in the afternoon. My insomniac body is even more confused than normal.

Some Pig...

A quick update for you my dears, Jayne has been shortlisted for the Somerset Short Story competition winners. Sadly we will not be about for the awards ceremony, because we are planning a romantic evening for us on that night as Jayne starts her fourth decade! 

Once the winners of the competition have been announced, you will be able to buy a printed book of the shortlisted stories and enjoy them all, who knows, you may even be able to spot which Jayne wrote! OK, having her name above it will be a give away, but you know what I mean. 

For the acceptance speech she can be quoted with the following, "I would like to thank my partner Carol who believed in me from the start, I would like to thank Deb my fabulous writing tutor and most of all I would like to thank the band Slayer, who I was listening to when I wrote the story!"

Hmm, Death Metal while writing, not everyones cup of emotionally calming tea, but it seems to work for her.

See you out on the road, new updates are planned soon. 

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Carol and Jaynes Curious Adventures 

Inspire me

Blah blah blah… Inspiration, you were once my friend, but now you are but a distant memory. What inspires me to write is a need to put words on paper, I have been like this since a child and it is only now that I consider my writing to be my craft. Some paint pictures, some sculpt and I write. 

So to inspiration, I am currently chasing inspiration and have found a thing that is likely to inspire me to write every day. Travel diaries have a way of making the adventure more real as the tiny details of what made the trip can be remembered via the media of words on a page. The urge to travel is once again filling my soul, the idea of loading up my back pack and climbing aboard a ship or plane is almost intoxicating. 

Welcome back inspiration, thanks for the idea, but how do I go about doing this? Well Carol and I have a plan and if it works we may well be updating you from foreign shores as we travel together in another country for the first time. The way this is working is that Carol has given up her daily grind of work in order to pursue the dream of the itchy footed global traveler and me as scribe will hang onto her coat tails recording the adventure. 

I wont say yet where we are trying to get to, but rest assured if it does work out, the stories we tell should be interesting. For me, as long as I get to spend my fortieth birthday somewhere other than the UK, I really don't mind where we go. Yes, I turn forty this year. Who ever thought that I would make it to forty? When I was twenty forty felt old. Now I am forty, I feel... old actually. Old, worn out and in need of sleep almost constantly. Having two vibrant young people hanging about the flat certainly does not help with my enthusiasm for youth, when I am reminded on an almost daily basis of just how old and wrinkled I am when I am faced by the fresh faces beauty of a young woman not yet in her twenties. 

So curious adventurers, watch this space. We could be about to embark on the curious adventure of a life time.  

Sons and Daughters, Brothers and Sisters...

Boys

Sons are just the best, they like to play with cool toys, they are full of laughter and they surprise you every day with just how much they grow into a damn cool guy. Alex is doing this, he is great fun to hang out with and it is amazing that it was not that long ago that he was a boy. Well now he is a man and as such he drinks, farts and fiddles with motorbikes. We could not be more proud. So when my Brother Pauly came to visit, we had to go out to play in Pauly's truck.

You can just see Alex sat about a third up the way the cliff face

So we headed out into the hills of Somerset and tried our hand at a bit of local offroading, which we loved. Pauly is an expert driver and approaches any challenge with his usual gentle humour and then climbs his truck up the sort of rocky slopes we loved to ride our bikes down so many years ago. While out and about we checked out some of the old places we visited as kids, including the caves we explored while on a school trip in 1990!

The entrance to Sidcut Swallat cave, Mendip.

Going underground!

Nothing like a bit of solo climbing forty feet up a cliff with no rope!

More solo climbing at height

So after a whole day of adventuring we wandered home and Alex declared that he was in love with Pauly's truck and we both had a new hobby. Let's OFF ROAD! A massive huge thank you to my dearest brother Pauly and my lovely step son Alex, who made a day out a pure pleasure.

Girls

Girls are just great, they are pretty, they smell nice and they like cuddles. Can you tell that I always wanted to be a mummy? So when Alex announced that his lovely girlfriend Beth was moving in with us, I was overjoyed. You see, Beth is lovely, she has filled our home with laughter and seeing Alex this happy is just wonderful. You have never seen such a beautiful couple who compliment each other so well. 

The thinker goes Gothic!

Well, once Beth was moved in and had settled into the comfortable life of enduring Jayne's almost continuous farting and Carol's horrendous snoring, she let us know that she would like to travel north to visit her Mum and introduce her to Alex. Well, any excuse for a ride out...

So we decided to take the motorbikes and ride the ninety three miles to Beths Mum's house. Only Carol's bike had packed up, with leaking fork seals, blowing exhausts and a failing cooling system. Noreen needed a lot of work to make sure that she could make the journey. 

No forks or cooling system

So over two weekends Carol tore Noreen to bits and put her back together again. 

Going back together

It took some time, a lot of work and a few cups of tea. Once sorted, it was a quick test and then we discovered that the cooling fan had melted. Thankfully a dear friend of Curious Adventures, Wayne of the bashed up ZXR sports bikes stepped in and offered us a new fan. With Carol off the road, another friend of Curious Adventures, Rich stepped in and rode over to Wayne's to pick up the fan. Both of these men are utter gentlemen and with out them, we would have been stumped. So huge thanks to them both. 

So with the bikes sorted, we hit the road and headed North...

Beth and Mummy

Jayne meets long time hero, Vlad the Impaler...

Then as we left Tintern on the way home, Carol discovered that during all of her work, she had not adjusted her head light correctly. Oops, but it was a simple fix... until her bike over heated once again and spewed coolant all over the road. So we stopped for a short break and took in the fabulous view that we could see in the dark, in the woods on the edge of Newport.

Finally, with Noreen fixed once again, we hit the road, quite literally in the case of Beth when Sylvie dropped down an unmarked bump in the road and hurt her ribs. Cue another pain relief stop in Oarst services. Damn that place is shit. 

Three numb arses and one case of sore ribs later...

Finally at just after midnight, we rolled up the hill and home. I dropped Sylvie back in the garage and as we were locking up the bikes Alex came back and told us that we were locked out. The front door was locked from the inside. Fortunately it turned out that he was just so tired, he forgot that the door has two locks! Bed that night was welcoming for us all and after two hundred miles of riding Jayne's shoulders were completely ruined, her hands no longer worked and just keeping her eyes open as she took off her leathers was a challenge! 

This was Beth and Alex's first Curious Adventure together, just as it was Pauly and Alex's first Curious Adventure too. A month of firsts and a month spent with some of the most beautiful people I could ever ask to be with. After many years of wanting, I have the family I always wanted and I could not be happier.

A huge thank you list this month and in no particular order

Alex - for being so much fun and the perfect son

Beth - For being so lovely and the perfect daughter

Pauly - For being the brother every sister wishes for

Rich - For going beyond the call of duty and being a true friend

Wayne - for being a fountain of knowledge and so kind

Finally, I want to thank my beautiful Carol, the woman who has given me so much over the years, so much love and happiness, the family I always wanted and the partner who makes Curious Adventures so much fun. Thank you my family, I love you all.